Monday, March 2, 2009

A Guy Walks Into The Coffeehouse In Heels And A Skirt

And then he does the standard plugging in of his laptop like the other "cool" people.No there is no punchline.This actually happened.I love San Francisco,though technically this happened in Berkeley.And I thought I left the window lickers behind when I left Los Angeles.I guess being a licker of windows is universal.At least the difference between coffeehouse yahoos in SF as opposed to LA is that nobody here is pretending to write a screenplay and the baristas aren't bad actresses or failed singers.One thing SF and LA coffeehouse flockers have in common is the panicked look they get when there is no place to plug in their laptops.Priceless.I'm hoping one of them will stand still long enough for me to take their picture.Now that's one shot that will definitely make my coffeetable book.On a totally unrelatable topic,I loved Big John's line on Rock Of Love last night:"I thought I told you NOT to be slutty and whorey" Really? Big John,you've been here all three seasons.Being slutty and whorey is what gets them on this show! That being said,I loved the stripper challenge on the Trailer Park Games.Fuck I am so shallow.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Rise Up Children Of The Beast (a coming of age tale)

After suffering through the shame that my first purchase of a record album (yes album) was the self titled Loverboy vinyl.You know the one with Turn Me Loose.Even worse,I still like it to this day.But this was the 1980's and one doesn't listen to Loverboy if one is to touch a member of the opposite sex.When my then partner in crime Brent called me up to say that he had that most bad ass cassette in his hands,I think I might have run the mile and a half between his house and mine in a dead sprint with blind anticipation.To say that the sounds coming from his speakers,via the mixed tape his cousin had made,were incredible would be putting it mildly.Who are and what was Def Leppard,Quiet Riot and Motley Crue? After consulting the current issues of Circus and Hit Parader magazines,I knew what I had to do to rectify my error in album judgement.Later at the record store in the mall,I knew my decision was the correct one when I got the nod of approval from the burned out stoner manning the cash register as I approached with my copy of Def Leppard's Pyromania.I felt cool instantly.The next week when I returned for Metal Health by Quiet Riot in newly bought (but heavily washed to get that faded look) jean jacket,I was now considered a "headbanger".I wore it the label like a badge of honor.My life truly changed when I strolled though the front door with the opus magnus that was Shout At The Devil by the most obnoxious rock n roll band alive:Motley Crue!The fact that mom and dad hated everything about them (from the pentagram on the album cover to their androgynous look) just made them even greater.Once word spread through my school that I risked a two week grounding for the Motley/Ozzy show and showed up the day after with my black concert shirt with actual tour dates on the back,my reputation as a rebel with a cause was cemented.Amusingly,the female attention in my direction increased sevenfold.The ladies will always love a bad boy.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

William Blake Famously Said...

That the road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.No not so much actually.It really just leads to a motherfucker of a hangover.Maybe Mister Blake never lived in Hollywood.

Once you have lived here for as long as I have (if not longer) you too will realize that everyone here is full of shit.Or denial.

An example:apparently in my heydey,I devoured a good portion of the female population that embraced the late 1980's and early 1990's Sunset Strip music scene.Or in another words,I had my way with a lot of band sluts.Or did they have their way with me?Something to ponder on another occasion I suppose.Anyway every now and then when I cross paths with these former paramours,they attempt to engage me in meaningless small talk with the hope of a curtain call.What they fail to realize is,though I'm not as young and thin as I used to be,I am still fairly good looking for my age (some might say I have rugged good looks.OK maybe it's just me who says that) but the years have been mostly brutal to them.The time spent in the fast lane has taken its toll and what used to be Neutrogena-like skin now has more lines on it than Tony Montana's coffeetable.Notice the subtle Scarface reference for those under the age of's not that I've aged so gracefully (well...) but my flesh doesn't resemble the lizard from the Geico commercials.

My point is many in this so-called paradise (though they own a mirror) are in denial about the fact that they have aged and in this beauty obsessed town,it seems to be criminal to think otherwise.

As much as I bitch about this town,I love how there is a never ending supply of the self absorbed which means I in turn have a never ending supply of material to draw from as I continue to mock the afflicted.

Hasn't Henry Rollins made a career from this?

I need to investigate further.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

You Know What Grinds My Gears

Not in any order,but here's what annoys me:

-Going to Las Vegas and seeing naked kids peeing on the grass,300 pound men shirtless at the bus stop plus ghetto chicks pounding down a 40's of malt liquor by the side of the road at 9am.This is not the Vegas I want to see.I want roulette tables (with me winning) bright lights,fake boobs and stupid tourists.Is that too much to ask Las Vegas? If I want to see white trash in all its glory,I'll go to New Jersey

-Anorexic chicks.What the fuck?Did the too skinny bitches not get the memo that bones aren't sexy?If I can see your shoulder blades sticking out,I am repulsed not turned on.Eat a fucking burger for pete's sake!

-Sometimes on my lunch hour (that I tend to stretch to 90 minutes) I get on a creative roll and just when I think I can't stop,I have to go back to my 8 hour a day prison.Fuck I hate having the creative juices flowing then having to walk away.I think I should be given money on a daily basis to exercise my creative genius.Don't you?

-Why do people (and by people I mean whores,both of the male and female persuasion) try to blame poor defenseless alcohol when they cheat on their significant others?The real use for alcohol is to put it to blame when you wake up next to someone uglier than yourself.Not that I would know anything about that.

-Stop trying to be Oprah,Tyra Banks.You just might be the queen of high maintenance vapid whores.Why do you think you can't keep a man? Or maybe its just that ginormous forehead of yours.Next time you get a weave,maybe get one with bangs.

-Why would the television programmers put on Two and a Half Men,How I Met Your Mother,Heroes,Sarah Connor Chronicles,Monday Night Raw and Monday Night Football all on the same freaking night.I can only DVR so much you sadistic sons of bitches.I hate you.

Monday, August 25, 2008

I See Your Mouth Moving But All I Hear Is Blah Blah Blah

For all you hillbillies living in assfuck Iowa,Nebraska or any other Mayberry-like village that has more bars that stop lights who think just because they spent a week here once that you know what its like to live in Los Angeles.Stick to playing the role of tourists and taking pictures of the stars on Hollywood Boulevard like the silly Republicans you are.Your lame nicknames like "La La Land" and "Hollyweird" only prove your ignorance.Stop watching the E channel.Life here is not how its portrayed on Keeping Up With The Kardashians or Living Lohan and no,California is not going to fall into the ocean any time soon.Are you really that fucking stupid? Well yes you are.I've lived here since the late 1980's and have endured 1 real earthquake and I slept through most of that.How you like them Midwest blizzards every year? Sit down and shut the fuck up bitches.When you have lived here for a decade or two then you will have earned the right to point out the flaws and imperfections in the city of angels.Just because you might have come here under the false illusion that you were pretty enough to be a movie star only to fail miserably and run home to mommy after 2 years (and a couple low grade porn flicks later) with your tail between your legs doesn't mean you understand this town.At least you still have that prom queen crown you won when you weren't fat.

Monday, August 18, 2008

List Of Useless Information Volume 1

Random list of 5 so called celebrities I'd have meaningless ex with and 5 I'd rather watch dew form on the lawn then see naked.Not in any order:

1.Angelina Jolie-Tattoos,blow job lips and the sense that she could fuck me up at any time? I'm sold.

2.Jennifer Love Hewitt-She looks sweet and innocent though as much of a serial dater as she is,I know there's a dirty whore underneath.Besides ever since I ran her over at Tower records and her boobs were crushed against my belly,I've been hooked.

3.Tiffani (no longer Amber) Theissen-Two words,Kelly Kapowski.When she got cast as a bad girl on 90210,I might have masturbated on the spot.Great casting Aaron Spelling.You were a freaking genius.

4.Salma Hayek-Despite the fact that I never understand a word of what she's saying (which might be a good thing) I am strangely attracted to this spicy enchilada.Her boobs were spectacular when she was knocked up.

5.Monica Belucci-Being the hottest Italian export since Sophia Loren notwithstanding,I can't help but admire the fact that she is not opposed to showing her boobs in just about any movie she does.Bella indeed.

Now we come to the opposite end of the spectrum:

1.Sarah Jessica Parker-Any broad that has a website dedicated to her called has to head this list.No wonder her husband cheated on her with Karen from Will & Grace

2.Tyra Banks-Remember when she was considered hot? That was before she opened her fat mouth and I realized she is a pathetic shrew that can't keep a man.Could her forehead be any bigger and greasier?

3.Oprah-The fact that sofa riding housewives hang on every word she says is why she must be eliminated.I'm not sure if there is a God and a Satan,but if there is I have no doubt that Oprah is sporting the horns.

4.Jessica Simpson-If the good lord has given the human race a more intellilectually challenged human being,I would like to meet them.Nick Lachey,Bam Margera,John Mayer and Tony Romo? The prostitution rests.

5.Any other member of the cast from Sex In The City-Seriously could there be a bigger collection of skanks?Well maybe on Desperate Houswives.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Let's Get Ready To Rumble

Normally I watch from afar with great amusement as faded and balding in denial former rock stars squabble amongst themselves like teenage girls about literally nothing of importance.When I witness somewhat intelligence people actually taking sides in this farce,I knew I had to intervene and be the voice of reason.Let's start with the most recent debacle:the Joe Elliott of Def Leppard versus Rikki Rockett & Bret Michaels of Poison throwdown.First of all,Poison doesn't even record new material anymore because,let's face it,the buying public doesn't give a rat's ass.As for Def Leppard,they should follow Poison's lead because they haven't put out a good product in a decade or so.The biggest issue between these yayhoos is lipsynching.Since I refuse to be sucked into taking sides,I'll just say this:Joe has reached the point of taking himself way too seriously and after seeing him on the Rock Honors a year or two ago,its obvious his voice is shot so maybe lipsynching ing is the way to go for him.Or at least get a good behind the curtain "helper" like Ozzy does.Advantage:Poison

Next we have Tracii Guns versus Phil Lewis and Steve Riley over the name of LA Guns.Really? These window lickers are being bitches over this? They haven't had a hit since the first George Bush was in office and they play clubs.CLUBS! At least Poison and Def Leppard can do amphitheaters.That being said Tracii,Phil and Steve have all been cool to me.Then again,I've never had to be in a band with any of them.Maybe I'm missing something here,but why the fuck would they verbally rumble with each other over the name of a band that's about as relevant in 2008 as Milli Vanilli? Advantage:Mick Cripps and Kelly Nickels (the other two band members during their popular years) for not being part of this clusterfuck.

There is no way I could leave out the biggest trainwreck of them all,Taime Downe and Brent Muscat fighting over who is the "real" Faster Pussycat.Are you fucking kidding me? This band had 1 minor hit in 1989 and was only signed because Elektra Records needed an extra tax write off.Don't believe me? Ask around.Its about as well kept of a secret as who was behind Metal Sludge.I won't even get into the fact that Taime (or Gus for those who go waaaay back) looks like Marilyn Manson's skanky uglier sister these days.Advantage:nobody since Taime scared off Brent by promising to shoot him if he played as Faster Pussycat in LA (or so heard from someone who is tight with both parties) but at least Brent isn't trying to be a cheap rip-off of Trent Reznor.Et tu Gus.

So what's next? I think we learned from the infighting with Motley Crue,Warrant and countless others that if someone offers up enough cash,these whores will kiss and make up.Be warned fellow big hair fans,its only a matter of time before Joe LeSte and Kyle Kyle fight over Bang Tango,Marq Torien and Mick Sweda bicker over Bullet Boys and Stevie Rachelle and Jim Gillette will throwdown over who is the real singer of Tuff.To quote the immortal Triumph the insult comic dog "I keed I keed"