Saturday, December 13, 2008

William Blake Famously Said...

That the road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.No not so much actually.It really just leads to a motherfucker of a hangover.Maybe Mister Blake never lived in Hollywood.

Once you have lived here for as long as I have (if not longer) you too will realize that everyone here is full of shit.Or denial.

An example:apparently in my heydey,I devoured a good portion of the female population that embraced the late 1980's and early 1990's Sunset Strip music scene.Or in another words,I had my way with a lot of band sluts.Or did they have their way with me?Something to ponder on another occasion I suppose.Anyway every now and then when I cross paths with these former paramours,they attempt to engage me in meaningless small talk with the hope of a curtain call.What they fail to realize is,though I'm not as young and thin as I used to be,I am still fairly good looking for my age (some might say I have rugged good looks.OK maybe it's just me who says that) but the years have been mostly brutal to them.The time spent in the fast lane has taken its toll and what used to be Neutrogena-like skin now has more lines on it than Tony Montana's coffeetable.Notice the subtle Scarface reference for those under the age of's not that I've aged so gracefully (well...) but my flesh doesn't resemble the lizard from the Geico commercials.

My point is many in this so-called paradise (though they own a mirror) are in denial about the fact that they have aged and in this beauty obsessed town,it seems to be criminal to think otherwise.

As much as I bitch about this town,I love how there is a never ending supply of the self absorbed which means I in turn have a never ending supply of material to draw from as I continue to mock the afflicted.

Hasn't Henry Rollins made a career from this?

I need to investigate further.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

You Know What Grinds My Gears

Not in any order,but here's what annoys me:

-Going to Las Vegas and seeing naked kids peeing on the grass,300 pound men shirtless at the bus stop plus ghetto chicks pounding down a 40's of malt liquor by the side of the road at 9am.This is not the Vegas I want to see.I want roulette tables (with me winning) bright lights,fake boobs and stupid tourists.Is that too much to ask Las Vegas? If I want to see white trash in all its glory,I'll go to New Jersey

-Anorexic chicks.What the fuck?Did the too skinny bitches not get the memo that bones aren't sexy?If I can see your shoulder blades sticking out,I am repulsed not turned on.Eat a fucking burger for pete's sake!

-Sometimes on my lunch hour (that I tend to stretch to 90 minutes) I get on a creative roll and just when I think I can't stop,I have to go back to my 8 hour a day prison.Fuck I hate having the creative juices flowing then having to walk away.I think I should be given money on a daily basis to exercise my creative genius.Don't you?

-Why do people (and by people I mean whores,both of the male and female persuasion) try to blame poor defenseless alcohol when they cheat on their significant others?The real use for alcohol is to put it to blame when you wake up next to someone uglier than yourself.Not that I would know anything about that.

-Stop trying to be Oprah,Tyra Banks.You just might be the queen of high maintenance vapid whores.Why do you think you can't keep a man? Or maybe its just that ginormous forehead of yours.Next time you get a weave,maybe get one with bangs.

-Why would the television programmers put on Two and a Half Men,How I Met Your Mother,Heroes,Sarah Connor Chronicles,Monday Night Raw and Monday Night Football all on the same freaking night.I can only DVR so much you sadistic sons of bitches.I hate you.

Monday, August 25, 2008

I See Your Mouth Moving But All I Hear Is Blah Blah Blah

For all you hillbillies living in assfuck Iowa,Nebraska or any other Mayberry-like village that has more bars that stop lights who think just because they spent a week here once that you know what its like to live in Los Angeles.Stick to playing the role of tourists and taking pictures of the stars on Hollywood Boulevard like the silly Republicans you are.Your lame nicknames like "La La Land" and "Hollyweird" only prove your ignorance.Stop watching the E channel.Life here is not how its portrayed on Keeping Up With The Kardashians or Living Lohan and no,California is not going to fall into the ocean any time soon.Are you really that fucking stupid? Well yes you are.I've lived here since the late 1980's and have endured 1 real earthquake and I slept through most of that.How you like them Midwest blizzards every year? Sit down and shut the fuck up bitches.When you have lived here for a decade or two then you will have earned the right to point out the flaws and imperfections in the city of angels.Just because you might have come here under the false illusion that you were pretty enough to be a movie star only to fail miserably and run home to mommy after 2 years (and a couple low grade porn flicks later) with your tail between your legs doesn't mean you understand this town.At least you still have that prom queen crown you won when you weren't fat.

Monday, August 18, 2008

List Of Useless Information Volume 1

Random list of 5 so called celebrities I'd have meaningless ex with and 5 I'd rather watch dew form on the lawn then see naked.Not in any order:

1.Angelina Jolie-Tattoos,blow job lips and the sense that she could fuck me up at any time? I'm sold.

2.Jennifer Love Hewitt-She looks sweet and innocent though as much of a serial dater as she is,I know there's a dirty whore underneath.Besides ever since I ran her over at Tower records and her boobs were crushed against my belly,I've been hooked.

3.Tiffani (no longer Amber) Theissen-Two words,Kelly Kapowski.When she got cast as a bad girl on 90210,I might have masturbated on the spot.Great casting Aaron Spelling.You were a freaking genius.

4.Salma Hayek-Despite the fact that I never understand a word of what she's saying (which might be a good thing) I am strangely attracted to this spicy enchilada.Her boobs were spectacular when she was knocked up.

5.Monica Belucci-Being the hottest Italian export since Sophia Loren notwithstanding,I can't help but admire the fact that she is not opposed to showing her boobs in just about any movie she does.Bella indeed.

Now we come to the opposite end of the spectrum:

1.Sarah Jessica Parker-Any broad that has a website dedicated to her called has to head this list.No wonder her husband cheated on her with Karen from Will & Grace

2.Tyra Banks-Remember when she was considered hot? That was before she opened her fat mouth and I realized she is a pathetic shrew that can't keep a man.Could her forehead be any bigger and greasier?

3.Oprah-The fact that sofa riding housewives hang on every word she says is why she must be eliminated.I'm not sure if there is a God and a Satan,but if there is I have no doubt that Oprah is sporting the horns.

4.Jessica Simpson-If the good lord has given the human race a more intellilectually challenged human being,I would like to meet them.Nick Lachey,Bam Margera,John Mayer and Tony Romo? The prostitution rests.

5.Any other member of the cast from Sex In The City-Seriously could there be a bigger collection of skanks?Well maybe on Desperate Houswives.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Let's Get Ready To Rumble

Normally I watch from afar with great amusement as faded and balding in denial former rock stars squabble amongst themselves like teenage girls about literally nothing of importance.When I witness somewhat intelligence people actually taking sides in this farce,I knew I had to intervene and be the voice of reason.Let's start with the most recent debacle:the Joe Elliott of Def Leppard versus Rikki Rockett & Bret Michaels of Poison throwdown.First of all,Poison doesn't even record new material anymore because,let's face it,the buying public doesn't give a rat's ass.As for Def Leppard,they should follow Poison's lead because they haven't put out a good product in a decade or so.The biggest issue between these yayhoos is lipsynching.Since I refuse to be sucked into taking sides,I'll just say this:Joe has reached the point of taking himself way too seriously and after seeing him on the Rock Honors a year or two ago,its obvious his voice is shot so maybe lipsynching ing is the way to go for him.Or at least get a good behind the curtain "helper" like Ozzy does.Advantage:Poison

Next we have Tracii Guns versus Phil Lewis and Steve Riley over the name of LA Guns.Really? These window lickers are being bitches over this? They haven't had a hit since the first George Bush was in office and they play clubs.CLUBS! At least Poison and Def Leppard can do amphitheaters.That being said Tracii,Phil and Steve have all been cool to me.Then again,I've never had to be in a band with any of them.Maybe I'm missing something here,but why the fuck would they verbally rumble with each other over the name of a band that's about as relevant in 2008 as Milli Vanilli? Advantage:Mick Cripps and Kelly Nickels (the other two band members during their popular years) for not being part of this clusterfuck.

There is no way I could leave out the biggest trainwreck of them all,Taime Downe and Brent Muscat fighting over who is the "real" Faster Pussycat.Are you fucking kidding me? This band had 1 minor hit in 1989 and was only signed because Elektra Records needed an extra tax write off.Don't believe me? Ask around.Its about as well kept of a secret as who was behind Metal Sludge.I won't even get into the fact that Taime (or Gus for those who go waaaay back) looks like Marilyn Manson's skanky uglier sister these days.Advantage:nobody since Taime scared off Brent by promising to shoot him if he played as Faster Pussycat in LA (or so heard from someone who is tight with both parties) but at least Brent isn't trying to be a cheap rip-off of Trent Reznor.Et tu Gus.

So what's next? I think we learned from the infighting with Motley Crue,Warrant and countless others that if someone offers up enough cash,these whores will kiss and make up.Be warned fellow big hair fans,its only a matter of time before Joe LeSte and Kyle Kyle fight over Bang Tango,Marq Torien and Mick Sweda bicker over Bullet Boys and Stevie Rachelle and Jim Gillette will throwdown over who is the real singer of Tuff.To quote the immortal Triumph the insult comic dog "I keed I keed"

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Maybe It's Just Los Angeles

Although I love to spend a couple hours a day sitting in Starbucks consuming my triple venti vanilla latte,writing a new poem or two and witnessing the no talent assclowns performing endless feats of stupidity that ultimately make me more secure in my own skin,there are things about my second home that at times make me want to go all O.J. Simpson.Not in any order,just as they crossed my mind:

Since I am a writer,I am qualified to talk shit.The douchebags that feel the need to bring their laptop in and show the whole world that they are a writer of some sort can lick the hair off of my balls.Why is it so hard to just bring in your notebook and do your thing without broadcasting it to all of Los Angeles county? Oh that's right,you have to be seen trying to be the next Jerry Stahl.The priceless look of torment when you can't find a table where you can plug in your laptop never ceases to entertain me.Fuck off talentless hacks.Go home and write your screenplay that will keep you working as a toner telemarketer until you realize that your story sucks.Don't think I'm not the only one that notices that you haven't typed anything in the hour you have sat there with your screen facing out so all can witness what you think you are.In comparison,me and my boring low key notebook have written two pages in the same time period.

The impatient assholes that A) can't stand being in line (hey monkey its Starbucks,there's always a line and B) after they have ordered their drink,they hover over the glass where the employees are making their complicated drink with the thought process that it will be prepared faster.You want fast? Make your drink at home asshole!

First off,if you wear a bluetooth inside a Starbucks or anywhere that isn't your car,you are a loser.You are not impressing anyone.Not even close.Being impressed with yourself doesn't count.I bring this up because there isn't anything more annoying while standing in line than the jack-offs that continue the conversation they've had since they walked through the door on their cell phone,yet when its their turn to place their order,they can't be torn away from what I assume is undoubtedly an exillerating conversation.Fuck you asshole!Sometimes I just want to find the tool that invented the bluetooth and bludgeon his eye socket with it.Until then I mock.

I love the people that just come and sit down so they can text message their so called friends because they are unable to walk and text at the same time.Brilliant.

The stupid high school ankle biters that deem it necessary to take up half the store with their study group even though they're just running their mouths about some boy/girl that they like but doesn't like them back.Ever heard of a library? I hear they have books in which you can use as study aids.These wastes of skin probably think George Bush is doing a bang up job.

I love the whores that dress like they're going to a club or working the boulevard when the sun goes down who walk in the store very dramatically so they can be noticed,but when they aren't they just sit there pouting and wearing a face thats says "tell me I'm pretty" Let me guess skank,you're an actress.

I realize that Starbucks has only been around since the 1980's,but what the fuck is the deal with the people that walk in and ask the baristas "what's good here?"

I love the look on the faces of the employees who are just working at Starbucks A)until they find something better B)pay off their student loan or C)graduate high school when the district manager walks in the store with his serious look written on his face because something is out of place.They know this is his life and 90% of the employees just dont give a fuck about where the new flavor of coffee display is located.Hey Mister District Manager,just to let you know when us customers come in,we already know what we want so much like your staff we don't care about your lame display either.

A get a job middle finger salute goes to the window lickers that sleep in the store.

When (and trust me they will) Starbucks raises their price a dime or two,does anybody really believe the trolls that say they won't ever come back?

I can't decide which is more pathetic:the vapid bimbos with the orange skin from too many fake tans or the douchebags with more hair product than the staff of L'Oreal? Why do they all seem to order the same iced drink?

Why do the bored housewives spend hours there talking about nothing and the only reason they leave is to pick up the kids from school? Have an affair already.

Soccer moms,it is not OK for your 8 year old future stripper to have an espresso.

Correct me if I'm wrong,but when you place your order do they not ask you for your name to put on the cup? Then after the barista yells out "Bob your drink is ready" why does Jack ask "is this mine?" Listen fucko listen!

Monday, August 4, 2008

So Much For California Being The Land Of The Beautiful People

For the most part I try to avoid going to the arena type rock shows anymore and after this weekend,I remember why.Cruefest 2008 was a clusterfuck of Jerry Springer rejects that even for the 909 (the redneck meth-head area code of southern California) makes a sad commentary.Don't get me wrong,the bands were off the chain as the cool kids say.It was the ticket buyers that had me wondering what the fuck? First it started with a press conference in Hollywood on Thursday afternoon where pink hair and missing teeth on both genders seemed to be the order of the day as were Motley Crue autograph tattoos.The piece de resistance was the trailer park window licker in black sweat pants held up by a belt and with approximately 6 teeth whose mom sent him the money for the show.Now that would be fine if he wasn't 40 years old.Minimum.

There was the yayhoo who thought it would be funny to scream out (mostly in my ear) for Tommy Lee to moon everyone.My response to him was A) let's go to 7-11 so I can buy you a Big Gulp of shut the fuck up juice B) a man wanting to see another man's naked ass?! C) you owe the friend that came with you a drink as he could tell by my glare that I was about to administer a beatdown of epic proportions so fortunately he got you to pipe down.

That brings me to the actual show.All the bands were great.Check the internet for a music review.That's not why we're here.Here are some of my thoughts as the 95 degree sun poured down on me:

When the singer jumps off the stage and appears at where you are seated,make sure you're not still sitting down or he will mock you in front of thousands.

If you buy underwear from the T-shirt stand,you are a whore.Case Closed.

Men:If you have moobs (man boobs),a belly like an offensive lineman and/or bacne (back acne) under no circumstances is it ok to take off your shirt.

Women:If you want to wear a bikini top,get a little sun first because Casper like skin in the glare of the sun will always be subject to mocking and ridicule.More importantly though,make sure your belly doesn't fold over so the button on your pants can't be seen.It makes others want to throw up in their mouth.

To the thirtysomething year old drunk skank that wanted to beat up a couple of 13 year olds only to be told by your man "be quiet honey.we're not doing this again",I must defer to audience of Jerry Springer:SIT DOWN WHORE! SIT DOWN WHORE! SIT DOWN WHORE!

To the 45 year old moms that attempt (in vain) to dress like their 16 year old daughters that they claim is their sister,no you do not look cute.You are more pathetic than the 45 year old men (still in their clothes from 1988) that leer at your jailbait daughters.

95 degrees + $12 beers + the women that buy them=drunk chicks that end up getting fucked twice before the night ends.

When did Motley Crue's fans become white trash hookers? They used to have the hottest bitches.Period.

I've noticed that the skanks that show the most skin at concerts are the last ones that should be.The pretty ones don't have to.

Lastly,(because the truly pathetic squealed like vermin when she walked by) Kat Von D is a nasty,bottom feeding,worn out,irritating,high maintenace troll.Pixie was the hot one on the farce she calls a televsion show.

Can't wait for Cruefest 2009.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Bukowski Lives On My Flesh

I don't know if it makes me cool or hip,but a few weeks ago while in my beloved San Francisco I got a Charles Bukowski tattoo.I thought he was more well known,but I have had to explain many a time who he was to the uninformed.Jackals.My pal Ellen at Starbucks called it "the sickest tattoo" she had ever seen.I'm assuming thats the new lingo for awesome tattoo dude.The girl at the Coffee Bean was all set to berate me for bringing Starbucks into the Bean,but once she got a look at my Buk tat,I had been redeemed.My favorite reaction was the guy the other day who was a huge Bukowski fan.This dude bought a signed copy of The Last Night Of The Earth Poems by Buk for $300.Oh hell no! For $300 old Hank better be coming back to life and taking me out for a beer.Anyway he liked my tat so much he had to take a picture of it and when I told him that I had met our mutual hero back in the day,I think i saw him drool.I wonder if I'll get this kind of adoration after I die too.Probably even more.