Let's Get Ready To Rumble

Normally I watch from afar with great amusement as faded and balding in denial former rock stars squabble amongst themselves like teenage girls about literally nothing of importance.When I witness somewhat intelligence people actually taking sides in this farce,I knew I had to intervene and be the voice of reason.Let's start with the most recent debacle:the Joe Elliott of Def Leppard versus Rikki Rockett & Bret Michaels of Poison throwdown.First of all,Poison doesn't even record new material anymore because,let's face it,the buying public doesn't give a rat's ass.As for Def Leppard,they should follow Poison's lead because they haven't put out a good product in a decade or so.The biggest issue between these yayhoos is lipsynching.Since I refuse to be sucked into taking sides,I'll just say this:Joe has reached the point of taking himself way too seriously and after seeing him on the Rock Honors a year or two ago,its obvious his voice is shot so maybe lipsynching ing is the way to go for him.Or at least get a good behind the curtain "helper" like Ozzy does.Advantage:Poison

Next we have Tracii Guns versus Phil Lewis and Steve Riley over the name of LA Guns.Really? These window lickers are being bitches over this? They haven't had a hit since the first George Bush was in office and they play clubs.CLUBS! At least Poison and Def Leppard can do amphitheaters.That being said Tracii,Phil and Steve have all been cool to me.Then again,I've never had to be in a band with any of them.Maybe I'm missing something here,but why the fuck would they verbally rumble with each other over the name of a band that's about as relevant in 2008 as Milli Vanilli? Advantage:Mick Cripps and Kelly Nickels (the other two band members during their popular years) for not being part of this clusterfuck.

There is no way I could leave out the biggest trainwreck of them all,Taime Downe and Brent Muscat fighting over who is the "real" Faster Pussycat.Are you fucking kidding me? This band had 1 minor hit in 1989 and was only signed because Elektra Records needed an extra tax write off.Don't believe me? Ask around.Its about as well kept of a secret as who was behind Metal Sludge.I won't even get into the fact that Taime (or Gus for those who go waaaay back) looks like Marilyn Manson's skanky uglier sister these days.Advantage:nobody since Taime scared off Brent by promising to shoot him if he played as Faster Pussycat in LA (or so heard from someone who is tight with both parties) but at least Brent isn't trying to be a cheap rip-off of Trent Reznor.Et tu Gus.

So what's next? I think we learned from the infighting with Motley Crue,Warrant and countless others that if someone offers up enough cash,these whores will kiss and make up.Be warned fellow big hair fans,its only a matter of time before Joe LeSte and Kyle Kyle fight over Bang Tango,Marq Torien and Mick Sweda bicker over Bullet Boys and Stevie Rachelle and Jim Gillette will throwdown over who is the real singer of Tuff.To quote the immortal Triumph the insult comic dog "I keed I keed"