For the most part I try to avoid going to the arena type rock shows anymore and after this weekend,I remember why.Cruefest 2008 was a clusterfuck of Jerry Springer rejects that even for the 909 (the redneck meth-head area code of southern California) makes a sad commentary.Don't get me wrong,the bands were off the chain as the cool kids say.It was the ticket buyers that had me wondering what the fuck? First it started with a press conference in Hollywood on Thursday afternoon where pink hair and missing teeth on both genders seemed to be the order of the day as were Motley Crue autograph tattoos.The piece de resistance was the trailer park window licker in black sweat pants held up by a belt and with approximately 6 teeth whose mom sent him the money for the show.Now that would be fine if he wasn't 40 years old.Minimum.
There was the yayhoo who thought it would be funny to scream out (mostly in my ear) for Tommy Lee to moon everyone.My response to him was A) let's go to 7-11 so I can buy you a Big Gulp of shut the fuck up juice B) a man wanting to see another man's naked ass? cut.print.gay! C) you owe the friend that came with you a drink as he could tell by my glare that I was about to administer a beatdown of epic proportions so fortunately he got you to pipe down.
That brings me to the actual show.All the bands were great.Check the internet for a music review.That's not why we're here.Here are some of my thoughts as the 95 degree sun poured down on me:
When the singer jumps off the stage and appears at where you are seated,make sure you're not still sitting down or he will mock you in front of thousands.
If you buy underwear from the T-shirt stand,you are a whore.Case Closed.
Men:If you have moobs (man boobs),a belly like an offensive lineman and/or bacne (back acne) under no circumstances is it ok to take off your shirt.
Women:If you want to wear a bikini top,get a little sun first because Casper like skin in the glare of the sun will always be subject to mocking and ridicule.More importantly though,make sure your belly doesn't fold over so the button on your pants can't be seen.It makes others want to throw up in their mouth.
To the thirtysomething year old drunk skank that wanted to beat up a couple of 13 year olds only to be told by your man "be quiet honey.we're not doing this again",I must defer to audience of Jerry Springer:SIT DOWN WHORE! SIT DOWN WHORE! SIT DOWN WHORE!
To the 45 year old moms that attempt (in vain) to dress like their 16 year old daughters that they claim is their sister,no you do not look cute.You are more pathetic than the 45 year old men (still in their clothes from 1988) that leer at your jailbait daughters.
95 degrees + $12 beers + the women that buy them=drunk chicks that end up getting fucked twice before the night ends.
When did Motley Crue's fans become white trash hookers? They used to have the hottest bitches.Period.
I've noticed that the skanks that show the most skin at concerts are the last ones that should be.The pretty ones don't have to.
Lastly,(because the truly pathetic squealed like vermin when she walked by) Kat Von D is a nasty,bottom feeding,worn out,irritating,high maintenace troll.Pixie was the hot one on the farce she calls a televsion show.
Can't wait for Cruefest 2009.